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I left my job this fall for another one. I am therefore preparing something I thought about for several years: the corresponding announcement email.
I had, like I guess all people have, frustrations at my job. One of which was where it made me live. COVID had the positive side-effect that it gave me some more flexibility regarding that, but it still stuck me in a sort of limbo. It was just a little while away from where I both could afford a home and enjoy being closer to my friends and family. Too bad that it was an infinity of pages of legalese away still.
So I often thought about leaving, like an immature youngster wanting to flee their parents home, given that that job provided for me quite well. Due to what I do, it is both very easy and very hard to find a job. Very easy, as general software engineering knowledge is sought after these days. But also very hard to get a good position due to the country I wanted to go back to. It was not just about pay, but also about working for a middle-man of a middle-man of a middle-man for a very distant customer. Often in domains that completely clashed with my values. Connected running shoes for marketing in the metaverse anyone? Not joking, one of the job ads best fitting my competences was for such a thing.
So I searched for a job in the home land and found none that gave me the three things I needed:
I am a professional, I can compromise on each of these items a bit (within limits). But I found nothing matching, because its kind of the countryside and so software positions are sparse. 100% remote working positions have also disappeared like snow in the sun just months after COVID in the old home land. But now I have been very lucky and found something. Which leads me to writing that long mulled over email.
Depending on the frustration levels I was feeling either with my personal life or my professional life, the tone and content of that theoretical email have varied greatly.
There are things I would like to say to my colleagues that I won't be able to. About how I let the job eat most of my identity for close to a decade. About my profound disappointment at some decisions I couldn't affect but had to live with day after day. About the fear of getting stuck in one industrial project all my life, no matter how varied the opportunities in it were. About the expectations that I feel we should have toward ourselves as professionals, while knowing that what I felt was partially unsound. That this extra pressure partially came from self-doubt I did not want to openly share. About the times where I sat for a moment in the archive room, hugging my knees, hoping for my mind to work right again, wishing for the aimless fear blanking my mind to subside. About the times were I recorded my own panicked voice to listen to it right after, to try to gain perspective on my feelings. About how good alcohol felt after work until I fortunately tackled the issue. About trying many things to get better at regulating my emotions. From counseling to journaling, meditation, to changing my diet, doing more sport, taking time off work, reading self-help books, etc... About that time when I was so panicked that I thought I would die, where I limped to the infirmary struggling to breathe, then struggling to stand. Being sent into the ambulance on a gurney, thinking I was having a stroke as half of my body was tingling, my limbs numb to sensation. How ashamed I was when it appeared to be psychosomatic. Ashamed of having wasted time and resources but most of all by having failed to take good care of myself. Ashamed of not having finished my work and ashamed of being ashamed about work when my body was clearly the priority.
About the times were I thought about ending it all long before that time at the hospital, because not finding a solution that satisfied me at the job meant to my sick brain that I failed as a person and was therefore not worthy of the resources I use to sustain my existence. But then later having someone I knew committing suicide. Having to call his best friend and tell him the news. Seeing the church with his bereaved family but only a handful of friends and colleagues. So empty, such a waste of his intelligence and gentleness. That image now comes every time that this kind of thoughts return. I just so wish it didn't take him jumping for me to realise that suicide destroys so much more than just oneself.
All those darker things, which I would like to warn against, I do not know how to do in corporate speech. And so I won't. I am not proud of that. It feels like lacking courage. But also because I think it simply wouldn't be heard in the way I intend. Those are things that the person I was would have liked to know. But I don't know how my colleagues feel. I shouldn't impose my view of things, especially given how pessimistic I tend to be. Most of my hurt was self inflicted and I don't know yet how to warn concisely against that kind of things. Especially given that this pressure is also what makes my professional engine turn.
So let's focus on the positive sides. I loved being at the beginning of a huge industrial project, and having to find things out. I loved helping my colleagues set up the tooling necessary to contribute. I loved the machine making the machine and trying to make it better when I could, especially with like-minded colleagues. I loved working with people from all over the world and learning titbits about themselves and their perspective on life. I loved the camaraderie of working on a system for years within the same group. I am grateful for the open-mindedness of my direct managers and their flexibility. For allowing me to take time-off when I felt I was completely burning out. Or another time, for their reaction after I told them the added responsibilities from colleagues that left the project were crushing me. I had feared that discussion for weeks, thinking they would fire me or ridicule me. Not only did they listen seriously to me, but the next day when I came to the office, my work load was cut in half. There were no negative consequences for me, at all. They listened, understood the problem and helped, as fast as humanly possible. I will never, ever forget that. It is a standard of support that I aspire to. I wish one day to help like I was helped.
All in all, I am grateful for these years, nearly a decade. It allowed me to contribute to software that affects the lives of tens of thousands of people in, I hope, a positive way. It made me part of a group, with colleagues I could appreciate. It allowed me to grow more confident in my abilities as an engineer. It brought me a degree of comfort and independence I am thankful for. It made me realise that my worst enemy is truly my own mind and it gave me tools to face it on more even ground. The price was dedication and little to no personal life, which I realise now too late. But that is mostly my own fault I believe.
But even that, I cannot write it in corporate speech.
So I hope that I will find words that are both culturally acceptable and true enough to how I feel. And hope that one day, maybe what I am writing just now will be read and the intention behind it will be understood.
Please know that I am grateful. And that I want you to take the responsibilities of the job to heart, but be safe from self-destructive emotions at the same time. That I wish you well and that I hope you can build many wondrous things both in your private and professional lives. May you find the balance that I couldn't find.
To the road travelled. To the friends I made. To the things we created. May joy be with you all.
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